See what's going around
Est. 1981 · Suite 4, above the pharmacy
An ice cream parlour with a serious condition. Ten strains on rotation, hand-churned daily, and a napkin you will absolutely have to explain to your mother.
Currently circulating
Everything on this board is hand-churned in small batches and passed from person to person. Cones, cups and specimen containers available — take-home tubs carry our retail label, STD's Premium.
Strain 01 · HIV
Single-origin Madagascar vanilla bean. Undetectable, untransmittable, and completely free of artificial flavours. The one everybody starts on.
Symptoms: vanilla bean, double cream, a faint hum of caramel
Strain 02 · AIDS
Almond Iced Double Swirl. What happens to a H.I.Vanilla left untreated on a warm windowsill. Toasted almond, dark fudge, twice the scoop and no going back.
Symptoms: toasted almond, 70% fudge ribbon, brittle shards
Strain 03 · Herpes
It goes away. Then it comes back. Then it comes back again, usually when you are stressed or at a wedding. Cool mint studded with dark chocolate flare-ups.
Symptoms: peppermint oil, dark chocolate flecks, tingling
Strain 04 · Chlamydia
The silent scoop. Banana ice cream, fudge chunks and walnuts. You won't notice you ordered it for about three weeks, and by then everyone you know has had some.
Symptoms: banana, fudge chunk, walnut, none whatsoever
Strain 05 · Gonorrhoea
Known around the parlour as The Clap, because every order gets a standing ovation from the staff. Slow-churned pistachio in a green our clinicians have formally filed under "concerning".
Symptoms: pistachio, green cream, a burning sensation, applause
Strain 06 · Hepatitis
Liver-forward and unmistakably golden — a hue several customers have described as "concerning". Burnt caramel, flake salt, and a finish that lingers for decades.
Symptoms: burnt caramel, sea salt, jaundice-gold glow
Strain 07 · Pubic lice
Cookies and cream with crunchy little bits that appear to relocate between bites. Served with a fine-tooth spoon. Please finish it at the table and not on the soft furnishings.
Symptoms: cookie crumb, sweet cream, itching, movement
Strain 08 · HPV
Bumpy, persistent, and far more common than anyone admits — nine out of ten customers have had a taste. Chocolate base, almonds, and marshmallow lumps in places you were not expecting lumps.
Symptoms: chocolate, almond, irregular marshmallow
Strain 09 · Trichomoniasis
A frothy green base packed with fun-size candy bar chunks. Nobody can ever remember which house they got it from. Clears up with a single dose and a quiet evening.
Symptoms: frothing, fun-size chunks, mild regret
Strain 10 · Syphilis
Our heritage flavour, on the books since 1494. Served in three stages: a primary cherry, a secondary raspberry rash rippled right through, and a tertiary stage we do not discuss in front of guests.
Symptoms: sour cherry, raspberry ripple, madness (eventually)
Secret menu, ask quietly at the counter: Mono-Chip Mocha (the kissing disease — for beginners) · Scabies & Cream · The Abstinence (an empty cup, free, zero risk, zero flavour, statistically the safest thing we sell).
Serving suggestions
However much you think you want, you will end up with more.
One scoop of all ten strains in a single bowl. Comes back in three to five business days. $22, no substitutions, no judgement.
Three scoops, no cone, eaten standing outside at 6am in yesterday's clothes. We won't make eye contact. $9.50.
No wrapper, no cherry, nothing between you and 1,400 calories. Our most requested and most regretted item. $12.
Rainbow rash sprinkles · discharge (marshmallow fluff) · swollen nuts · hot fudge fever · crushed pretzel itch · one (1) suspicious cherry. First symptom free.
Take one for later
Every napkin is individually foil-wrapped, ribbed for your convenience, and torn open at the notch. Single ply. For novelty use only.
Foil square. Serrated edge. Tear notch in the corner. Printed with SCOOP TWO DEATH · SINGLE PLY · LATEX-FREE · EXP 2029 and a batch number nobody is ever going to check.
Lives in a bowl by the register under a small sign reading "Please take one — take two if you're sharing."
Find us
Patient information
POSITIVE
Word of mouth
Spread entirely by our customers.
"Came in for one scoop. Left with three."
Dana R. · ★★★★★
"My partner had a taste of mine and now they've got it too."
Marcus T. · ★★★★★
"Ten out of ten. Would catch again."
Priya K. · ★★★★★
"The napkins completely fooled my mother. Christmas is ruined. Five stars."
Anonymous · ★★★★★